Medical Malpractice

What do you think about my story?

>This is just a couple of the first paragraphs.... “Eagle Eyes” “Help” I use every last breath to screech out that one single word. I shuffle around the cold floor, even though my hands and arms are bound with thick rope… trying not to make to much of a clatter, he might hear me. The rope is cutting into my leg as I roll into a more comfortable position. Then, I wonder to myself… is this how I will die? Certainly not! I quickly assure myself. I turn around abruptly, there he is staring at me… his eyes reach mine… I call them “Eagle Eyes.” Then, suddenly, bang…. A bash to the head…. I slowly drift into sleep. “Robyn, can you hear me? Robyn.” the doctor shines a light in my eyes. “Dad? Where am I?” I open my eyes and find my self in a small room at the University of North Carolina hospital. I look outside the window and an eagle is staring right at me. “Your fine, you’ve just had some cuts and bruises.” my dad tells me. I can see the fear in his eyes. “She should be fine in a couple days Mr. Sharp… I assure you.. It’s nothing serious.” the doctor winks at me as he explains the situation to my dad. Well I can assure you, that it is serious. I am petrified at what will happen next… “I’ll leave you two alone.” the doctor walks out with a grin on his face. I look towards my dad. “The doctor said they found you on the side of a road down by Chapel Hill?” my dad glared into my eyes. He was the type of guy that would ask a single question and can get the whole story in one minute. You see, my dad was a detective at the North Carolina Crime Scene Investigation. He was the best they had. My dad and I live out by Dunham in a two bedroom ranch. My mother disappeared when I turned nine years old. About six years ago. She also worked for the North Carolina Crime Scene Investigation. No one knew what happened to her. Some people say she’s half way across the globe, others say she abandoned me. I know neither can be true. My dad learned to forget about that kind of stuff and realized that I was important now. He couldn’t back down. Over the next couple of days, I began to feel better, at least physically. It was probably the dozens of drugs they had injected into me. Apparently there was a large count of lead in my blood. I threw on a tee shirt and got ready for my evaluation, just to make sure I was ready to leave. No one knew what had happened before I was found. “Hello Ms. Sharp! How are you today?” my psychologist, Dr. Eyes asks. “Fine.” I quickly reply. Dr. Eyes had helped me recover during the loss of my mother. She was also my mom’s best friend. Dr. Eyes… I’ve always thought it was such a peculiar name. TYPO > The city is really Durham not Dunham. By the way, I am open to all criticism! I love it when people give me suggestions. So if you hated it, feel free to say so. I'd rather have the truth.

Public Comments

1. It's alright. Good suspense. But it seems there's much too much pathos-and-violence ridden work these days that it just seems like more of the same. Well written, but somewhat unoriginal.
2. Theres alot of "I's". And the sentences are kinda funny.
3. its ok. a lot of suspense and that is good
4. i like it! =] its great!
5. "He was the type of guy that would ask a single question and can get the whole story in one minute." You started out past tense (was the type) then used the word "can," which is... not... past tense. Please replace it with "would." "I shuffle around the cold floor, even though my hands and arms are bound with thick rope…" Sounds like it's trying too hard to be intense. So what if your hands and arms are bound from rope, how does that stop you from shuffling around? Should be easy enough actually. "trying not to make to much of a clatter, he might hear me." After the ellipses this is like a new sentence. So, when you write it like this it actually sounds like "He might hear me trying not to make much of a clatter." which I'm pretty sure is not what you're going for. Correct it by saying, "Trying not to make much of a clatter, I'm scared he might hear me." or something similar. You're using too many ellipses by the way. Not sure what the plural of that word is... ellipseses? Anywaaaay. I don't like the halting fashion of these sentences. It's trying waaay to hard to be intense, it'd be better to find another way to be intense rather than forcing the reader to stop and consider each sentence. After the begining part it sounds much better though... The forshadowing is nice and the subtle hints are nice too. Seem a little typical, but fine enough. The eagle outside the window was nice enough too. Personally don't like the style but, whatever.